I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
