The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
