Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
