that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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