i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You're like the curious george of whores
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We're too hungover to prance.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
