Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
