Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
