we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
