Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
