Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
