YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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