it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
