so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
