my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
