You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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