I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
