Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
