Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
