You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
