he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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