my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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