I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
