Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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