i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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