hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
