rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
