Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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