Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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