Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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