Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
