You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
