Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
