Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
