Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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