Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
