Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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