That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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