Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
