Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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