ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
