I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My legs feel like baby dolphins
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
