I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
