Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
