a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
