fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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