some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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