Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
