I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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