She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
