I must be too annoying 4 u.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
