We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
