Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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